


How do I redeem myself?

by ArabellaTurner



Series: How Do I? [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Ideas, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Eventual Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Family Issues, Good Intentions, I swear I will finish this one day, Jared Kleinman Is a Good Friend, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-10-21 08:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17639156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaTurner/pseuds/ArabellaTurner
Summary: When Evan is invited to spend Christmas at his dad’s house, there is nothing he could desire less. But he begrudgingly agrees so long as Jared can come with him.Jared sees this as a perfect opportunity to redeem himself and prove that he is worthy of being Evan’s friend. All he needs to do is somehow fix years worth of problems and restore Evan’s relationship with his dad.





	1. All good things come to an end

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place a few months after “How do I say sorry?”. In case you haven’t read that, basically what you need to know is that Evan went to a party with Jared to prove his desire to be friends again and ends up getting hurt. They are friends again now, but Jared still blames himself for what happened and feels awful about how he treated Evan.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finds that college isn’t as scary as he thought it would be and actually starts to enjoy himself. Unfortunately, that happiness is ruined when he receives an invitation to spend Christmas with his dad.

Two days after he was released from the hospital, Evan started classes. It was a little overwhelming, but having Jared around really helped. He was someone Evan could text whenever he was nervous, lost, or lonely. They had dinner together almost every night. Jared also encouraged Evan to find some friends in his classes and join clubs. Starting the next week, both of them would be official members of the botany club. 

Evan also really liked his roommates, Jeremy and Michael. He was super scared about living in a triple, but as the cheapest room option, it’s what he went with. Fortunately not only were his fears unfounded, but he found both of them really cool. Playing 2v2 with them and Jared quickly became one of Evan’s favorite pastimes.

As time continued to pass, Evan started to get into a rhythm. Classes weren't always easy, but with the help of his friends, Evan worked up the courage to go to office hours. And every Wednesday evening, he and Jared would make their way to the botany club. It was a weird and exciting feeling to be a member of a group like this. It was completely different than the Connor Project where his every move was scrutinized and judged. Here he was just able to hang out with people he had something in common with. 

It amazed Evan how happy he could be every day. It wasn’t like his anxiety had gone away and he still sometimes had panic attacks, but on the whole he just felt better about himself. He had friends now he could rely on and he never felt alone. And although Jared wasn’t suddenly a perfect friend and there were still times when his jokes bothered Evan, their relationship was so much better than before. And Evan was better at speaking up for himself now, so at least now Jared always knew if he crossed the line.

Even the holidays seemed more fun than before. That Thanksgiving, Evan and his mom went to the Kleinman’s house and that Hanukkah Evan, Jared, Jeremy, and Michael celebrated in Jared’s apartment. Poor Michael was the only non-Jew there, but he had fun regardless.

But just as Evan was beginning to feel good about himself, the invitation arrived. Usually it wouldn’t make any sense for Evan to travel all the way to Colorado to celebrate Christmas with his dad, but his college was closer to Colorado than his house was and the invitation had been extended. It would only be for the first week of winter break, but it was absolutely not something that Evan wanted to do.

\----

“Just tell him to fuck off,” Jared informed Evan when he heard. “I wouldn’t just suddenly celebrate Christmas with my mom if she invited me,” Jeremy grumbled. “Your mom is Jewish,” Micheal pointed out. “I still wouldn’t go!” Jeremy insisted. “But you have the guts to say no,” Evan argued. “Besides, I still haven’t met my little brother and my dad really wants me to.”

“If you really feel like you have to go, I could go with you,” Jared offered. “I would love to meet a mini Evan!” He grinned at the thought of baby Evan running around. “He’s only half Evan,” Evan mumbled in response. “Well, if he is half as cute as you are, he’s going to be adorable!” Evan turned red and threw a pillow at Jared. “Shut up!” he protested. Jared just cackled before growing serious again.

“But seriously Evan, I really would be happy to go with you. I don’t need presents or anything and I can pay for my own food and travel. I’d prefer to not have to pay for a hotel though. I’m not made of money.” Evan’s eyes welled up with tears. “That would mean a lot to me, Jare. I’ll see if my dad agrees. Can you stay with me while I make the phone call?” Jared nodded. “Of course, Ev.”

An hour later it was settled, Jared Kleinman and Evan Hansen would be spending Christmas in Colorado with Evan’s dad and the rest of winter break back home. It was only going to be for five and a half days since there would be travel time on either end of it. Evan’s dad agreed to pay for the gas and Jared would be staying in the guest room with Evan on a spare mattress. It was still going to be a taxing ordeal, but Evan was grateful that Jared would be going with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to tag a crossover since Jeremy and Michael really aren’t all that relevant, but I think it would be really cool for them to end up as Evan’s roommates.


	2. Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan start packing, but Evan panics when he realizes he doesn’t have gifts for anyone.

As he packed up to head to Colorado, Jared thought back to the night of the party. That night he had promised Evan that he could rely on him for anything. He intended to make good on the promise while at Evan’s dad’s place. He knew they had a bad relationship and he knew how scared Evan was to be there. Jared wanted nothing more than to help fix things for Evan. If he could just somehow repair Evan’s relationship with his dad and help heal the wounds in Evan’s heart, then maybe he could prove to himself that he deserved to be around Evan.

He knew Evan said he shouldn’t beat himself up over his past mistakes, but he had never really made up for them. Sure they were friends now, but it was easy to be Evan’s friend. Jared had never really gone above and beyond the normal bounds of friendship for Evan’s sake and until he did, he wasn’t going to be able to forgive himself. 

So now Jared was going to use this chance to do something good for Evan. He just couldn’t let Evan know he was trying to do it. But Jared swore that one way or another, he was not going to leave Colorado without improving Evan’s life. Then and only then, would he begin to forgive himself. 

Jared’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. Evan has been a nervous wreck the past few days and Jared was unsurprised to see he was the one currently calling him. “Hey Ev. What’s wrong?” Jared asked, picking up the phone. All he heard from the other end was labored breathing.

“Calm down Ev. Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?” “N-no,” Evan managed to force out. “I was packing and I realized I don’t have any presents for anyone and I don’t know what to get them because I don’t know them, but it would be rude not to get them stuff, but it would also be rude to get them bad stuff, but I don’t know what to get them and what if I get them terrible gifts and also I don’t have a lot of money for gifts and how much is normal to spend on your step-siblings who you never even see and I...”

“Woah, slow down there Ev! You’re making me anxious just hearing you talk! I really don’t think they expect you to get them anything. You don’t even celebrate Christmas. If you’re worried, then we can pick stuff out together on the way there. Maybe a plant for your dad and step-mom, something small for each of your step-siblings, and a kids toy for your half-brother? It doesn’t need to be anything grand. Just pick things that you think are nice. Do you want me to come over? We can talk about this more in person.”

Evan nodded before remembering he needed to actually speak into the phone. “Yes please,” he replied. He looked around at his dorm room. It felt really empty without Jeremy and Michael. They had both left the day before and now Evan had the room all to himself. He had once been worried about sharing it, but now he felt lonely with them gone. 

At least Jared would be over soon. Evan was having trouble being alone with his thoughts at the moment. It wasn’t the sort of trouble he had back with the tree, but he still felt like the room was closing in on him. He was so scared to visit his father and meet his half-brother. It was a part of himself that he knew so little about and he was scared to learn the truth.

A few minutes later, Evan heard a knock on his door. He immediately felt better just seeing Jared there. “You okay, Ev?” Jared asked, noticing how pale Evan looked. “I’m okay. Thanks for coming over.” “Any time. Want me to help you pack? We can discuss the gifts over dinner.” Evan nodded and motioned for Jared to follow him inside. The second Jared entered, the room felt a lot less lonely and the walls went back to their normal size.

Evan spent the night in Jared’s apartment. With Jared's help, he was now packed and ready, so he just threw his stuff into Jared’s car. They grabbed dinner, discussed gift options, then went back to Jared’s place so that Jared could finish packing. They would be leaving pretty early the next morning anyways, so it made sense to stay together. Evan was quite happy with the arrangement. Jared’s couch was comfortable enough and the thought of spending the night not alone, was highly appealing.


	3. Why was I invited?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan drive to Colorado. Along the way, Evan wonders why his dad bothered to invite him.

The next morning, they drove out bright and early, although they stopped a few times along the way to pick up presents. Evan was happy with the stuffed bear and plant, but was still worried about the gifts for Dixie and Haley. Jared assured him that makeup and earbuds were fine, but Evan really had no idea what to buy for teenaged girls he barely knew. 

They also stopped a couple of times for food or bathroom usage and once to get pictures of a really pretty tree. Evan had spotted it and asked Jared to slow down so he could get a picture. The next thing he knew, they were pulling over and getting out. A few minutes later, Jared was begging Evan to hug it for pictures. Evan felt a little stupid like that, and he had a feeling Jared would show the picture off later, but he trusted his friend not to torment him with it. Besides, the tree really was pretty and he was glad he could pull over to look at it.

Overall, the ride wasn’t so bad. Evan enjoyed Jared’s company and liked the road-trip feeling it gave him. He just really didn’t want to end up at his destination. 

Unfortunately, the ride did not last forever. Eventually the GPS informed Jared to turn down the final road. Beside him, Evan found himself struggling to breath. “Deep breaths now, Ev. It’s going to be okay. We have my car and if anything bad happens, we can always leave. But I can’t imagine anything bad happening. You’re just going to visit your dad. He just wants you to be a part of his life.”

“He never did before,” Evan grumbled. “He just wants me to come and see how much better his life is now than it was before. He probably also wants to show off his new son and point out how much better he is than I am.” “Well, if he were trying to do that, he would fail. You are an amazing person and your dad should consider himself lucky to be your father. But I don’t think that’s what he’s trying to do. Maybe he really just wants to reconnect with you.”

Evan nodded, but he didn’t seem convinced. Jared wasn’t super convinced himself. He was sure that Evan’s little brother wasn’t better than Evan, but he wasn’t sure of his dad’s motivations. Jared wanted to believe that Evan was invited out of love, but he honestly had no idea. He didn’t know Evan’s dad and he knew very little about their relationship. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t even know the man’s name.

“Hey Ev. Weird question, but what is your dad’s name? Like, your mom and you both have the last name of Hansen. Does that mean you’re using her maiden name or did she keep your dad’s last name?” Evan looked down, embarrassed. “Hansen is his last name. My mom said that she didn’t want to deal with all the hassle of changing it while working, but I think that it’s just because having a son with a different last name is hard. It’s a little sad really. I hardly ever see him, yet the start and end of my name come from him. Only ‘Evan’ actually belongs to my mom.”

Jared chuckled a little. “I keep forgetting that your name is actually Mark. Man it would feel so weird to call you that!” Evan smiled at his friend. “You know, I have to give you credit. No matter how much you teased me, you never did call me that.” “I do have a heart somewhere in here!” Jared protested with a laugh. Evan laughed too.

“I’m feeling a little better now. I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” Jared nodded and squeezed Evan’s hand. “You are going to be fine. I swear it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I always sort of wondered about the last name situation. Part of me feels like Heidi would want to cut off those ties, but given that Evan was already pretty old when his dad left, he might not have changed his name and then they would have different last names which they don’t.
> 
> The names for his dad’s family come from the book. His brother wasn’t given a name though, so I’ll have to come up with one for him.


	4. You’re going to be fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared arrive at Evan’s dad’s house only to find he isn’t there yet.

After a number of deep breaths and comforting words from Jared, Evan finally rang the doorbell. He felt his heart racing as he heard someone on the other end start to open the door. Just as he was deciding how he should greet his dad, Theresa opened the door.

“Evan! It’s so good to see you again! And you must be Jared!” she said, waving for the two boys to come inside. Evan stood, frozen, until Jared placed a hand on his shoulder and gently lead him inside.

“You must be Theresa,” Jared said with a forced grin. Theresa nodded. “I’m sure this was a tiring drive for the two of you. Why don’t I show you to your room so you can unpack and freshen up before we all say hi? Your dad will be home soon, and I know he’s really excited to see you!”

Evan frowned. “He’s not here right now?” Theresa shook her head. “He wasn’t sure when you would arrive, so he’s still at work right now. I’ll let him know you’re here though!” Evan said nothing in response. The awkward silence stretched over them for a few moments until Jared eventually spoke up. “Thank you, Theresa. Evan and I will let you know when we’re done unpacking.” She smiled back at him. “I’m looking forward to spending Christmas with both of you!” She then turned and left, leaving Jared and Evan standing outside the guest bedroom.

The two of them unloaded and unpacked quietly and methodically. Jared attempted to start a conversation at first, but it quickly became clear to him that Evan really just needed some time with his thoughts. He didn’t want to leave his friend completely alone though, so he just silently unpacked his things from the other side of the room.

Eventually all their stuff was put away. “Do you want to shower and change before heading back down?” Jared finally asked, breaking the silence. “Do you think I should?” Evan asked. “Only if you feel uncomfortable in your travel clothes. I’m not changing, but you can if you want to.” Evan debated it for a minute. On the one hand it was a chance to delay heading back down a little longer, but on the other it could look desperate. Evan didn’t want to look like he was trying to win back his dad’s approval. He didn’t want to give the man the satisfaction of believing his opinion mattered to Evan.

Of course, it did matter to Evan. All of this mattered to him. He was jealous of a two year old he had never even met, for God’s sake! He didn’t want to be here and he didn’t want to see his dad, but mainly he didn’t want his dad to see him. He didn’t want to see his dad’s new perfect family because he knew his dad would then be certain he made the right choice. He was just a failure whom his dad would never be proud of.

“Why don’t you just comb your hair, brush your teeth, and change your shirt?” Jared offered, snapping Evan out of his thoughts. “It’s just enough to freshen up a little, but nothing crazy.” Evan nodded and ran to go do that. A few minutes later, he had run out of things to stall with. He stood beside Jared as he took deep breaths. “You’re going to be fine, Ev,” Jared assured him once more. Evan took another deep breath and forced himself to relax. 

Jared placed his hand in Evan’s. Evan’s hand was incredibly sweaty, an unfortunate side effect of his anxiety and something Evan worried about constantly. Jared didn’t care though. He squeezed the hand even tighter. The more nervous his friend was, the more determined he was to be there for him. Some way or another, Jared was going to make sure that Evan left this house feeling way better than he did when they arrived.

Taking one final deep breath and squeezing Jared’s hand back, Evan finally mustered up the courage to walk down the stairs. He held the plant in his other arm, clinging onto it just as tightly as he was to Jared. Slowly but surely, the two boys descended the stairs, hoping they were ready to face whatever was waiting for them at the bottom.


	5. Family dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan ans Jared join the Hansen’s for Avery uncomfortable family dinner.

While Evan and Jared had been unpacking, Mark Hansen had returned home. Now he stood next to his new wife, smiling uncomfortably at his son. Evan made a similar face in return. Dixie and Haley stood next to their mom who was holding little Maxie in her arms. Jared stood beside Evan, still holding his hand.

Jared felt as though they were in a standoff and looked around desperately for a way to diffuse the tension. Fortunately Theresa seemed to have the same idea, because she spoke up. “Is that plant for us Evan? That’s so sweet! Isn’t it Mark?” “Right. Yes, it’s very sweet. Thank you Evan,” Mark said, uncomfortably. 

Evan gulped. “I-It’s a, a C-Christmas gift for the two of you. I-I have p-presents for m-my, u-um, siblings too. I-I t-thought t-they might want to wait until C-Christmas to open them, but a plant would d-die.” Jared cringed when he heard how nervous Evan sounded. Lately his stutter almost never surfaced itself, so hearing him talk like that broke Jared’s heart.

“Well, that’s really thoughtful of you!” Theresa said. “I know you don’t celebrate Christmas, but I hope that you can still enjoy all of our holiday traditions. Mark and I have some gifts for you too! And for Jared as well.” Theresa winked at Jared as she said that and Jared felt himself blush. “You didn’t have to get me anything,” he protested. “Nonsense! If Evan felt you were family enough to bring you, then you are family enough for presents! Now let’s eat before dinner gets cold!” Wordlessly, everyone followed Theresa into the kitchen.

————

During dinner, everyone went around at shared a few things they thought everyone should know about themselves. Evan learned that Dixie was super athletic and loved playing soccer. He mentally kicked himself for getting her such girly presents. Haley was sort of nerdy and artsy. She was the kind of quirky that either made her really cool in school or a bit of an outcast. Evan wasn’t really sure which.

Theresa mainly just talked about Maxie and how he was growing up. Evan had to admit that he was a really cute kid, but that only served to make him feel even more jealous. He knew that wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t help it. Then when it was his turn to speak, he found he had no idea what to say, so Jared offered to speak for him.

“Let’s see. What interesting Evan facts should I share? Well, he and I are members of the botany club and despite being a freshman, it’s likely he’ll be appointed to a leadership position by next year due to his knowledge and dedication. Evan is also an amazing writer and his papers are always super good. I’m trying to convince him to try sharing some of his work, but he hasn’t agreed to it yet. He is terrible at video games, but still always gives them his all. He’s dorky, nerdy, adorable, and the best friend anyone could ever ask for!”

Evan blushed at Jared’s words. Realizing what he had just said, Jared blushed as well. “That sounds like some high praise!” Theresa said with a smile. Despite her best efforts, it looked a little strained. She looked meaningfully at her husband to say something. “I’m glad to hear you’ve been adjusting well to college,” Mark finally managed to say. Evan felt his face fall a little. It’s true that he hadn’t really done anything remarkable, but he still hoped his dad might take a little pride in him. So far it just seemed like he had only managed to not disappoint him further.

“What about you Mark? Tell us some things you want Evan and Jared to know,” Theresa urged her husband. As Evan listened to his dad talk about his job, he found himself pushing his food around on his plate. It was clear why his dad felt uncomfortable talking about himself.

Evan knew he liked nature, but that was a dangerous subject since he kept having excuses preventing him from going camping with Evan. Evan also knew he loved his family, but that was an even more dangerous subject. The truth was that work was probably the only thing his dad could talk about without making things even more uncomfortable than the already were.

Evan wondered what he was doing here. He was just making things painful for everyone. His dad looked miserable, his step-siblings looked uncomfortable, and Theresa had the fakest smile he had ever seen plastered across her face. The only person unaffected was little Maxie. And then there was Jared.

A part of Evan sort of hoped that Jared would get annoyed or upset. If he felt that things were going badly enough, Evan was sure that he would suggest they just leave. Only he didn’t look upset. Evan wasn’t really sure what the look on his face meant. He seemed to be deep in thought, but for the life of him, Evan couldn’t figure out what Jared was thinking about so intensely.

“That’s really interesting, dad,” Evan said quietly once his dad finished talking. Mark gave a little half smiled before looking down at his food and away from Evan. They all quickly fell back into silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve hit a bit of writer’s block with this fic. I’m not going to abandon it forever, but I’m going to take a little break from it for now. I just need a little time to figure out where I actually want to take this story because most of what I have beyond this chapter I don’t like as much.


	6. Familial bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the night continues it’s downhill trend for Evan, he begins to get a glimpse into the family he is not a part of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this chapter is a little short given how long it has been. I think I’m making some progress on figuring out where I’m going with this though, so hopefully I’ll get more regular with uploading again.

After a few minutes where the only audible sounds were the clanking or silverware on plates and the chewing of food, Theresa finally spoke up again. “So I know this was a little while ago, but why don’t you tell us more about that fundraiser you were doing in senior year. The Connor Project, I believe it was called.”

Evan inhaled sharply at the mention of the Connor Project, causing him to start choking on his food. Jared quickly started smacking him on the back until he coughed the piece of chicken back up. Evan quickly downed his glass of water and tried to calm his breathing. Jared nervously rubbed Evan’s back where he had just hit him.

They were both absolutely terrified. This was the one question that neither of them wanted to receive. Before they could figure out what to say, Dixie made her way over to Evan with a new glass of water. “Are you okay?” she asked. She looked worried about him.

Evan smiled meekly at her. “I’m okay. Thanks Dixie.” She smiled and went back to her seat. “You gave us quite a scare there, Evan,” Theresa said, concerned. Evan smiled weakly and looked down. “I know mom’s cooking can be a bit dry, but please try not to die on it!” Haley added, causing Evan’s eyes to widen and Jared to chuckle in response.

“Haley!” Mark scolded. “Be nice to your mother,” he continued. Haley laughed. “I’m just kidding dad! Everybody loves mom’s cooking!” All Hansens other than Evan laughed. The conversation was growing uncomfortable again, but at least everyone seemed to have forgotten about the Connor Project. Evan sank down into his seat and tried to finish his dinner without any other issues. 

————

When dinner was finally over, Evan thought that he and Jared would be able to escape to their room, but it turned out he was wrong. Apparently his dad and his new family liked to watch Christmas movies together and that night they were going to watch Home Alone.

Jared found the movie to be in pretty poor taste given the themes about family sticking together in it, but he couldn’t find a way to object without brining that to Evan’s attention as well. Instead he just curled up beside Evan on the couch and joined him under his blanket.

He paid close attention to Evan’s body language throughout the movie and adjusted himself accordingly. He laughed as Evan hid his face under the blanket, unable to watch the beating the robbers were taking. He hid under the blanket too, making a fort. With just the two of them under there, it was easier to imagine that they were just hanging out together with no estranged family on the other side.

But as they watched the end of the movie and Kevin’s family come home for him, it was harder to imagine that anymore. Jared held on tight to Evan’s arm, trying to ground him. Why did the Hansen’s have to make this so hard? He just wanted his Evan to be happy.


	7. Murdering trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hansens go to pick out the perfect tree and Evan finds himself forced to be an unwilling accessory in the “murder.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized I haven’t posted in this work in a while. I finally have a bit more direction for it, so hopefully updates will be more regular again!

The next day was a Saturday and Theresa had taken the day off, so the entire day was to be spent as a family bonding day. Much to Evan’s horror, the first step of the day was to pick out the “perfect” Christmas tree. There was something horribly depressing about the thought it narrow rows of tiny evergreens, all just waiting to be chopped down and placed in someone’s living room. He had hoped that his family would just use a fake tree, but no such luck.

Once again, he had hoped that Jared would stand by him and suggest he didn’t take part in this brutal murder, but much to his chagrin, Jared seemed to be all for it. He even suggested that Evan would be really good at this since he knew so much about trees and could therefore pick one that would stay green and strong the longest.

Evan just miserably stared out the car window. He and Jared were crammed in the way back seat of the Hansen’s SUV while Evan’s three step/half siblings sat one row ahead of them. They were listening to Christmas music on the radio and singing along. Even Jared was singing. He nudged Evan to join in, but Evan just shook his head, refusing to take his eyes off the window. There was absolutely no way he was taking part in any of this.

————

The whole ride over, Jared tried his best to put on a cheerful face and get Evan to join in. Unlike the night before, Jared didn’t really blame the Hansens for the bad activity choice. Evan did like trees and they did need to buy one, so it wasn’t a horrible idea. In fact, Jared was pretty sure that if Evan was in a better mood, he might actually have fun. But he wasn’t in a good mood right now, so he was clearly looking at things from the worst angle.

At this rate, Jared was having trouble seeing how he could ever help Evan and his dad fix their relationship. It was clear that neither one of them were putting any effort into this at all. 

————

Once they finally arrived at the tree farm, Jared pulled Evan out of the car. “Come on, Ev!” he said, trying his best to sound excited. “Let’s show everyone the knowledge of the botany club!” “You mean that trees don’t like being cut down?” Evan grumbled. Jared affectionately nudged him. “Come on, Ev. These trees were grown for this purpose. It’s not like we’re cutting down a forest.”

Evan sighed. He knew he was making a much bigger deal over this than he needed to or even really cared about. Sure, he didn’t really see the appeal in dragging a dying tree into your house, but it wasn’t like he opposed using products that involved cutting down trees in his daily life. He just really didn’t want to be here right now and he wished Jared would just let him be miserable.

Evan silently trudged along behind the others. He decided that Jared has suffered enough from his whining and it would be better to just remain silent the rest of the trip. He also wasn’t going to complain in front of his step-sisters and ruin their fun. Even in his jealousy, Evan knew that he couldn’t blame those girls for anything. They were just looking to have some fun family time.

Throughout the process, Evan’s attempts to stay silent were continuously thwarted by Theresa and Jared. The two seemed determined to get his input on each tree they examined. “I don’t know,” Evan said exasperated. “I’m not a tree expert. I just like them. I don’t know which tree will last the longest or stay the greenest. Just pick one that looks good now.”

Theresa smiled kindly at him. “No one thinks that you are. We just want your input as well.” Evan shuffled uncomfortably. “This one is nice,” he finally said. “It’s awesome!” Dixie agreed, hopping up and down in excitement. Evan smiled weakly despite himself.

Half an hour later, the tree was down and Mark was tying it down to the roof of the truck while the others all got hot chocolate. Jared was silently simmering into his cup. He had suggested that he and Evan help Mark tie the tree down, but Mark said he had it on his own. Both father and son were not making this easy on him!


	8. You’re not even trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the Hansens decorate the tree, Evan sulks. But when Jared calls him out on it, a fight ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I would go back to regular updates! Things are finally starting to flow again!

A few hours later, everyone was back at the Hansen’s house, decorating the tree. Evan sat on the couch, miserably watching the rest of the Hansens happily unwrapped the ornaments and hung them up. It seemed almost fitting to him that they were now adorning their kill with decorations so perfectly designed to mock him.

He knew that they weren’t doing it to upset him, but it was clear that these ornaments held memories. There were Baby’s First Christmas ones, ones with their pictures, ones with the family name, and just a whole bunch that reminded them of specific events or people. 

Each and every ornament seemed to represent another memory that Evan wasn’t a part of. That stupid tree was the clearest reminder he had ever seen that he didn’t belong there.

Once again, the worst part was that Jared wasn’t taking his side. Instead of looking upset, Jared just seemed to lost in thought again. Eventually turned back to Evan with a somewhat forced grin.

“It looks like there are way more colorful balls than needed for this tree. What do you say we put up only the sliver, blue, and white ones. Then we can secretly turn it into a Hanukkah tree!” Jared beamed up at Evan, desperate to get him to willingly join in. Once again, he found himself highly frustrated by the Hansen’s activity choice, although he did understand that it was something they were clearly going to do at some point.

“That would be hilarious!” Dixie said with a giggle. “Do it!” Haley encouraged. Jared smiled at the two girls. He had to admit that they genuinely seemed like nice people. He hoped that they could help convince Evan to join in.

Evan only shrugged weakly. “Go ahead if you want to.” He readjusted himself on the couch, but made no effort to get up. “Come on, Ev,” Jared gently prompted, poking Evan on the arm. “Don’t you want to leave your mark on the tree as well?” “Not really,” Evan grumbled. He readjusted his position again.

“I still like the idea,” Haley said softly. Dixie nodded in agreement. “I do too,” Jared admitted. “I’m Jewish as well. Want to decorate it for Uncle Jared?” he asked. “Uncle Jared,” Haley raised an eyebrow at him. “Unless you’re implying something in don’t really want to think about, I’m not really sure how you’re our uncle.”

Jared turned bright red. “Oh, stop torturing him,” Theresa lightly scolded. “Evan, honey, are you sure you don’t want to help?” she asked. Evan sank into the couch. “I’m sure,” he mumbled.

————

A couple hours later, the tree was decorated and everyone was heading to bed for the night. Evan sat miserably on his bed, sulking. Jared cheerfully plopped down beside him. “The tree looks really good. I knew you could pick out a perfect one!” he said, way too happily.

Evan scrunched up his face. “Could you please just, not right now?” he asked. “I’m really not in the mood for this at the moment.” He stared miserably up at the ceiling while Jared looked uncomfortably down at the floor. 

When his request was met by silence, Evan pressed on. “When I asked you to come with me, I was hoping for some backup and support. Instead I feel like you’re always taking their side.” He continued to stare intensely at the ceiling, unable to make eye contact with Jared.

Jared sighed. “I just feel like you’re making yourself miserable. I mean, they aren’t perfect, but at least they’re trying. You aren’t trying at all.” “They’re trying? Have you even looked at my dad?” Evan scoffed.

Jared knew Evan had a point, but he couldn’t back down now. “What about Dixie and Haley?” Jared challenged. “You were pretty mean to them today. They just wanted to make you feel welcome.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “They just wanted to play along with your stupid idea,” he grumbled. Jared frowned. Yeah, his idea was stupid, but it still hurt to hear Evan call it that.

“At least I’m trying!” Jared protested. “You’re not the one who needs to try!” Evan countered. “You’re not the one they invited and they don’t care what your relationship with them is!” 

Jared stiffened up. He was pretty sure Evan hadn’t meant his words to be so biting, but they had still hurt. “Yeah, well, you invited me,” he said softly. “Yeah, and if I knew you were going to take their side, I wouldn’t have brought you here,” Evan grumbled.

He stiffened up the moment he said it. He immediately knew he had gone too far. Nervously, he turned to look at Jared’s pained face. “Jared, I...” he began. 

“It’s fine,” Jared managed to reply. His voice was strained. “I know you didn’t mean it like that. I just need a little bit of time to clear my head. I’m going to go out for a drink. I’ll be back again in an hour or so.” 

Evan nodded weakly. It was better than last time they had a big fight, but he knew he still really hurt Jared. “Okay,” he agreed. “But promise me you won’t stay out too long. I really didn’t mean it that way.” Jared nodded. “I know, Evan,” he replied sadly.


	9. Soggy pancakes and crappy coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared goes out to a dinner to clear his mind and gets some unexpected advice.

Jared did know that Evan hadn’t meant to hurt him, but it didn’t really help. Especially since Jared knew that Evan really was having a worse time thanks to him. Clearly his attempts at helping had horribly backfired. 

He stood out in the cold, trying to pick a destination for his uber. He wasn’t stupid enough to go out drinking and driving. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure where he could go to get alcohol. He was still underaged and didn’t know what bars would let him in. Maybe he would just go to a diner somewhere and drown his sorrows in crappy coffee.

Meanwhile, back up in the guest room, Evan collapsed on the bed and began to sob. He felt bad about what he said to Jared, but that didn’t change the fact that he was mad at him. He also really just didn’t want to be there anymore. 

At least Jared said he would be back in an hour. Maybe with clearer heads and some time to mull their argument over, the two of them could figure out how to make things better.

Half an hour later, Jared was drinking crappy coffee and eating mediocre pancakes at an almost empty dinner. It was really a pretty pathetic sight. Jared felt hot tears slip down his cheeks. A few fell onto his food and coffee, but he barely noticed. Jared felt absolutely terrible.

“You okay there sweetie?” a waitress carrying a pot of coffee asked. Jared looked up and sniffled. “I’m fine,” he forced out. He was pretty sure that she was just concerned about the crazy guy crying into his food and didn’t want to burden her with all the details of his messed up life.

“Most people sobbing into a stack of already-soggy pancakes are not fine,” she countered. Jared shrugged. “Do you really want to hear about it?” he asked. “Trust me,” she replied. “It’s Saturday evening and I’m working in a crappy diner. Helping people with their problems is the only thing that makes this job bearable.”

Jared smiled weakly. “Well, if you insist,” he said, motioning for her to take a seat. With a smile, she placed the coffee on the table and sat down in the booth across from Jared. “So, what’s your story?” she asked. With a deep breath, Jared began his tale.

Forty minutes later, he had given the bare bones description. He hadn’t talked the entire time, as the waitress, Jessie, had to get up twice during his story to take care of people, but now it was just the two of them, a couple other waitstaff, and an elderly couple in the dinner.

In his story, Jared had been careful not to mention the Connor Project, but he had still shared a great deal of his mistakes with her. “So in summary,” he concluded, “I once again managed to do something stupid and accidentally hurt the person I love most.”

Jared picked miserably at his now-cold pancakes. “Honestly, at this point I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve hurt him. I don’t even know why he still wants to be around me! Every time I think I might be doing things right, I just somehow make things worse!” 

Jared was shaking by this point. He stared desperately at the woman sitting across from him. She was probably only in her late twenties, but she had a surprisingly motherly air to her. She smiled affectionately at Jared.

“Well, I don’t know this Evan of yours, but it seems to me that if he wants to be with you, you must be doing something good too,” she insisted. Jared shrugged. “We have good moments, but do those really outweigh the bad?” 

Jessie shrugged this time. “I guess it depends on how good the good is and how bad the bad is. I can tell you that hiding from your problems in a stack of pancakes isn’t going to help you though. If you feel bad about what you did, what can you do to make it right?”

“Well, that’s just it,” Jared explained. “I was trying to make my last mistake right and that’s what got us into this mess now.” Jessie nodded thoughtfully. “I see. Where do you think it went wrong?”

Jared thought about it for a moment. “Well, I guess he didn’t really want me to do it. I just felt so bad! I wanted to do something nice for him! I wanted to prove that I would go above and beyond for his sake the way he had for mine!” Jared started to sob louder, not caring if the elderly couple and the rest of staff heard him.

“Then were you really doing it for him?” Jessie asked. Jared’s eyes grew wide. “Of course! I mean I... I...” Jared collapsed into his arms. How could he have been so stupid? Evan hadn’t asked him to step in and help fix his relationship with his dad. He only asked Jared to be there for him. 

But he hadn’t been there for Evan. He was too busy trying to make himself feel better to realize how badly he was actually hurting his best friend. Here he was, thinking that he was finally a better person, when he was really the same selfish asshole as always.

“Go back. Talk to him. If you feel bad, then tell him. It sounds like Evan really means a lot to you, so don’t just give up now!” 

Jared sniffled again and wiped his face. “Thanks, er, what’s your name?” he asked, embarrassedly realizing he didn’t know the name of the person he just spilled his guts to. “I’m Jessie,” Jessie replied with a smile. “I’m Jared,” Jared sniffled. 

Jessie held out her hand. “Well, it’s nice to meet you Jared! I really hope that you can fix things with Evan. It sounds like he really means the world to you.” Jared weakly took her hand and gave a small shake. “I hope you’re right,” he replied.

A few minutes later, Jessie came back with the bill. “Sorry I can’t just offer to pay this for you,” she said. “I can offer advice, but I do still need to pay my bills!” Jared quickly shook his head. “Of course I’m not expecting you to pay! Honestly, you should be adding extra to the bill for my therapy session!”

He pulled two crumpled twenties out of his pocket and placed them on the table. “Please, keep the change,” he told her. “You were a huge help to me today. I really appreciate it!”

Jessie smiled at Jared. “You’re a sweet young man. I’m sure things will work out for you. Just tell him what you realized with me. I’m sure it will help.” Jared nodded.

With hope finally stirring back in his heart, he pulled out his phone and frowned. “Hey, Jessie. You don’t happen to have a phone charger anywhere, do you?” Jessie shook her head. “I do, but not one compatible with your phone type. I can ask the others, but I’m not sure what they will have.”


	10. The only one who cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Jared still at the diner with no way to contact Evan, Evan starts to worry about the safety of his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth for almost a month. I’ve just been really busy lately, but I haven’t forgotten about this story! I should start being more regular in my posting again!

Fifteen minutes later, it was determined that there were no iPhone chargers in the restaurant. There were no stores within an easy walking distance either and anyways, it was dark, late, and snowy, so it didn’t seem like a great idea to walk to one.

“I could try calling a cab for you,” Jessie offered. “Do you know your destination?” Jared shook his head. “I made a note of it on my phone before I left, but I don’t have it memorized.”

Jessie frowned. “Is there someone you could call who would know?” Jared shook his head again. “I could call Evan, but I don’t have his number memorized. I just have it saved as a contact in my phone.”

Jessie’s frown deepened. “Is there anyone whose number you do know who could maybe get in contact with him?” Jared thought about it for a moment. “Well, I could maybe call my mom. She knows his mom’s number. Then I could call her and get his number. Once I have his number, I should be able to find a way home.”

Jessie shook her head. “You might want to consider learning his number by heart as well. For now though, let’s go with that plan. Go ahead and call your parents.”

Jared smiled gratefully at her. By the time he had finished telling her his story, he had already been out for almost an hour and a half. Now he had been out for almost two hours. Given the nature of their fight and the quality of the weather, Jared knew that Evan would be worrying about him by now. He hoped he would be able to reach his beloved friend soon, before he went into full out panic mode.

————

Evan was currently in full out panic mode. A little after an hour had passed, Evan sent his first text asking where Jared was. He hadn’t received any response. Fifteen minutes later, he had called him.

When Evan got no response to that either, he started to worry. Jared promised he would be back within an hour and he was now half an hour late and apparently unreachable. What if something bad had happened to him?

Evan began to pace the room. It was hard to do with Jared’s mattress lying on the ground. Eventually Evan gave up and flopped down on the mattress and hugged the pillow tightly. He took a deep breath and inhaled the scent. It smell faintly of Jared’s hair.

He was really worried. What if something bad had happened? Jared wouldn’t just lose track of time then not bother to contact him. He would never forgive himself if the last conversation they had involved him telling Jared he wished he hadn’t brought him along. It was almost as bad as what he said back in high school.

After a few more minutes, Evan decided he couldn’t take it anymore. Jared said he was going to go out for a drink. Evan would go around from bar to bar until he found his best friend. He was not returning until he had Jared safely by his side once more.

————

Evan crept down the stairs as silently as possible. He heard voices coming from the kitchen and didn’t want anyone to know that he was leaving. 

Unfortunately, Evan found himself so caught up in his tiptoeing and quick glances at the kitchen, that he completely failed to notice the table in front of him.

The table crashed to the ground with a loud clatter and Evan hopped up and down, clutching his stubbed toes protectively. A few seconds later, Theresa came out to see what the noise was all about.

“Are you okay?” she asked, moving to straighten up the table. Evan nodded weakly. “Did you want to come join us? We’re making cookies right now,” Theresa continued. Evan shook his head, but still said nothing.

Theresa sighed and sat down on the floor next to Evan. “Evan, sweetie, are you sure you’re okay?” she asked. She motioned for Evan to sit down next to her. Apparently it was the wrong thing to do. 

Evan stiffened up and glared at Theresa. “I’m fine,” he snapped. “I’m just going to go for a little walk,” he continued, realizing that there was no way to hide the fact he was leaving the house now. 

Theresa’s eyes widened in concern. “I really don’t feel comfortable with you walking outside in the snow this late at night,” she informed him. “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have any say over me then, isn’t it?” Evan snapped back.

The force of his words surprised even him, but Evan was not going to back down now. He turned to head towards the door, but Theresa turned to block him.

“Move,” Evan snapped. Theresa shook her head and stood firm. “I don’t want you out there in weather like this,” she reiterated. “And I don’t care,” Evan replied. His body was shaking in a combination of anger and fear.

“Evan, please. I just don’t want to see you get hurt!” Theresa pleaded. “Why?” Evan demanded. “Why do you care? You don’t even know me. You’re not my mom and until this week, you haven’t even pretended you wanted to be. You’re just some woman my dad decided to run off with. You are not my family, so stop pretending like we are!”

With every word, Evan’s voice grew louder. Concerned by the shouting, Dixie made her way out into the other room. “Evan?” she asked nervously. 

Evan didn’t even bother to turn and face her. “Stay out of this!” he snapped. “You aren’t my family either and this doesn’t concern you!” Dixie’s eyes grew wide in fear before running off in tears. She buried herself into he sister’s arms, sobbing.

Haley hugged her sister for a few seconds before gently releasing her and stomping over to Evan. “How dare you talk to my sister that way!” she snapped. “You have no right to treat her like that! How dare you come into our home and make people cry this way!”

“Shut up!” Evan screamed. “Just shut up and leave me alone! Stop pretending like you care about me! None of you care about me! Jared was the only here who actually gave a damn about me and now he’s god knows where and I’m scared something has happened to him!” 

Tears were streaming down Evan’s cheeks. It was getting hard for him to just stand up he was shaking so badly. Forcing his body to stop trembling, Evan went to take a step forward, but was stopped by a sudden deep voice. 

“What on earth is going on down here?” Mark Hansen demanded as he made his way down the stairs. Evan turned around and locked eyes with his dad.


	11. Mark Evan Hansen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With tensions on the rise, Evan finally confronts his dad.

Evan and his dad stood locked in a staring match while Theresa and Haley stood staring in shock and horror at the scene in front of them.

Evan sneered at his dad. “You want to know what’s going on?” he demanded. “Since when have you cared about what’s going on in my life? I don’t remember you caring when you left mom to go marry some newer, younger woman! If you must know, I’m going to look for the only person in the fucking state that I actually care about then getting the hell out of here!”

Evan angrily turned towards the door to leave, brushing coldly past Theresa. His dad called out after him. “Mark Evan Hansen, I swear to god if you...” Evan stopped in his tracks and spun back around to face his dad, his eyes turned deadly. “Don’t you call me that! Don’t you ever call me that! My name is Evan, not Mark! I don’t care what it says on my birth certificate, student ID, or license. My name is not and never will be Mark!”

For a few moments, all that could be heard was the sound of Maxie’s crying. Evan’s whole body was once again shaking in both rage and terror as he stared defiantly at the man in front of him.

Rage flashed across Mark’s face. He swiftly made his way over to his son, his hand raised. Evan locked eyes with him, daring him to do it. He knew that the second his father hit him, he and Jared would be leaving for good. The second he found Jared and showed him his face, he would never have to speak to that man again.

But the blow never came. Instead he felt a hand brush gently against his cheek. “You’ve grown up so much, haven’t you?” Mark’s voice cracked as he spoke, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He looked affectionately at his son.

“You aren’t going to hit me?” Evan asked in surprise. “No, of course not, Evan.” “But you...” Evan began. “I was angry,” he admitted. “For a few seconds, I did consider it. This whole time, I’ve seen you as a guest in my house and right now you seem like a threat to my family.”

Despite his promise to himself that he wouldn’t let his father see that he cared, Evan’s tears turned into sobs. Although he had already declared that he wasn’t a part of this family, it hurt to know that his dad felt that way too.

“But you aren’t a threat,” Mark continued, snapping Evan back to reality. “You are my son and you’re in pain. I’ve been such a hypocrite. I can’t be mad at you for hurting my family, when I am also hurting my family.”

He grabbed Evan and pulled him close, tears streaming down his own cheeks. Evan stiffened up in shock, but a few seconds later, he melted into the hug. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Evan whimpered. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper and scare everyone. I didn’t mean to hurt people and I didn’t mean the things I said. I just want my best friend back. I don’t know where he is and I’m scared.”

Theresa slowly walked over and placed a hand gently on Evan’s shoulder. “I’m sure you are, Evan. I don’t blame you at all. I didn’t know he was missing until you said something, but of course we want to help you find him. We just don’t want you to put yourself in danger looking for him. I know I’m not your mom. I’m not going to pretend that I am or that I have any right to compare myself to her, but I do care about you. You are a part of my family and I’m not going to just leave you to suffer.”

Evan looked up at her. He always saw her as some man-stealing whore, but suddenly she just looked like a worried mom to him. Not his mom, but a mom. 

Hearing her young son in tears, Theresa made her way back into the kitchen, beckoning for Evan to follow. Haley followed closely behind. Once they were in the kitchen, Theresa took Maxie from a sniffling Dixie, who had been trying to calm him down.

Once Maxie had finally stopped crying, she held him out to Evan. Evan quickly shook his head. He didn’t feel comfortable holding a baby. “You don’t have to hold him,” Theresa informed Evan. “I’m sure he would be happy for you to just say hi.”

Evan nervously leaned in a little and was rewarded by Maxie grabbing at his hair. Evan stiffened up for a second before relaxing again. He reached up and gently removed Maxie’s hand from his hair, but kept hold of it. He smiled when Maxie’s hand wrapped back around his fingers. 

“I’m sorry I made you cry, little brother. I’m sorry I was jealous of you too. I’m sure you can’t understand me, but I don’t hate you anymore. Well, I guess I never hated you, but I’m not mad that you exist anymore. I hope you grow up to be an amazing person.” 

Evan affectionally rubbed Maxie on the head before taking a deep breath and turning to face the girls. “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?” Haley demanded. She was still clearly mad at him, but there was pity mixed in now.

Evan sat down on the ground in front of them. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I shouldn’t have behaved the way I did or taken my anger out on you or your mother. You guys did nothing wrong and it’s not fair to blame you. You were only trying to celebrate Christmas and your weird, moody, Jewish step-brother showed up and caused problems.”

Haley smiled weakly. Dixie still looked sort of scared, but her anger had disappeared as well. “You certainly have caused problems,” Haley agreed, “but we do understand how hard this has been for you. Especially now that Jared is missing. He clearly was a really good friend of yours.”

Evan nodded grimly. He felt so pathetic, but at least now he could maybe get some help finding Jared. 

————

Five minutes later, everyone was sitting around the kitchen table, trying to decide the best course of action. Evan was still highly uncomfortable sitting around with everyone like that, but he pushed those feelings aside for now to focus on Jared.

“I’m not sure where someone underaged would be able to get a drink around here. It’s not something I’ve ever looked into,” Mark admitted after hearing Evan’s story.

“Don’t look at me!” Haley protested when she noticed Evan’s eyes shift briefly to her. “Oh! No! Sorry! I wasn’t... I mean, I... I just...” Evan stuttered our, clearly embarrassed. “Sorry,” he finally muttered. Haley just shook her head and smiled. “It’s fine. Unfortunately I really can’t help you there,” she said. Evan nodded in understanding.

“Do you think we should get the police involved?” Theresa asked. Evan turned white as a sheet. “You don’t think he’s hurt, do you? I was worried about it too. What if he got in some sort of an accident and is lying unconscious on the side of the road now? He could be in danger right now and...”

Evan’s rant was cut short by the sound of his phone ringing. He nearly dropped it in excitement and surprise, but managed to catch it hit answer. “Hello?” he eagerly asked. “Evan!” the voice on the other end of the line exclaimed.

“Jared!” Evan replied, his eyes filling up with tears once more. “You’re okay!” Evan’s whole body had started shaking again, but it was from relief and joy now. He could feel all the tension and fear run out of his body as he listened to Jared’s voice.

“I’m okay, Ev. I just made a mistake. My phone died while I was out and I had no way to get a ride back. I don’t have you number memorized, so I had to borrow someone else’s phone, call my mom, have her tell me Heidi’s number, and have her tell me yours. Honestly, I’m just lucky everyone picked up!”

Both Evan’s tears and shaking increased again, but this time with laughter. Evan laughed so hard that he was practically wheezing. “You’re incredible Jared, you know that? You can be a bit of an idiot sometimes, but you are the most wonderful person I have ever met. I’m so sorry I said what I did. I do want you here. I always want you around!”

“I’m sorry too Evan. I’m so sorry that I was so selfish. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wanted to make things better, not worse!” Evan heart melted when he heard Jared’s voice cracking. He obviously felt really bad. “I know Jare Bear, I know. But let’s talk more once you’re we’ve safely retrieved you, okay? Where are you right now?”


	12. Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and his dad go to pick up Jared and the two boys finally get the chance to talk things out.

Twenty minutes later, Evan and his dad found themselves pulling up to a little roadside diner. The car was barely in park before Evan had unbuckled and jumped out. He sprinted all the was inside, completely ignoring the snow bearing down on him.

No sooner had he opened the door that Jared’s arms were flung around him. He quickly returned the hug. “Jared!” he happily cried out. “Evan!” Jared replied. The two boys jumped up and down, still embracing.

Jessie smiled at the two boys. She guessed Jared didn’t really need to worry about anything after all. Even if there was still more for they to talk about, it was clear that Evan was no longer mad at him.

A minute later, Mark joined the two boys. “Glad to see you’re alright,” Mark said a little awkwardly. Jared slipped out of his embrace with Evan to face him. “Thanks for coming to get me,” he said quietly, shuffling his feet just a little. “I’m sorry I made everyone worry.”

Mark shook his head. “It’s okay, Jared. It’s our fault too. Let’s just get you back.” Jared nodded silently. “Well, it was great meeting you, Jared!” Jessie called out, breaking the silence. “Great meeting you too! Thanks for everything!” Jared replied, a grin returning to his face.

Jessie then turned to Evan. “You two take good care of each other now, okay. A relationship as pure as yours is a rare thing.” Evan nodded and smiled. “We will. I promise!” “Good!” Jessie declared. “Well, you all take care now. Stop by again some time if you’re ever in the mood for more soggy pancakes!” Jared and Evan both laughed. 

Jessie watched with a smile as Evan slipped his hand into Jared’s. The diner was not a particularly great place to work, but days like this made it all worth it. 

Once the two boys had left, Jessie moved to get back to work. The diner was basically empty at that point, but there was still some cleaning to be done. But there was one more thing she needed to take care of first. 

Jessie smiled once more when she saw her call log. Clicking on the most recent one, she created a new contact. It was maybe a little invasive to add Evan like that, but she wanted the ability to check in on him and Jared. She was rooting for them now and wanted to find out what would happen.

————

By the time everyone was back at the Hansen’s house, a wave of exhaustion had settled in. It was late now and it had been a highly emotional night. 

Evan yawned loudly before resting his head up against Jared’s shoulder. Jared pulled him close, yawning himself. 

Theresa grinned when she saw the two boys together. “Welcome back, Jared,” she said kindly. Jared responded with a sleepy smile. “You two boys look exhausted,” she continued. “Why don’t you head up for the night? There will be plenty of time to talk things over in the morning. For now I think you both could use a good night’s sleep.”

Evan nodded gratefully. “That sounds wonderful,” he agreed. “Good night Theresa,” he said to her. He then turned to his dad. “And good night to you too, Dad. Thank you for taking me to get Jared.” Mark nodded and placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Of course. I’m glad you got your friend back.” He paused for a moment, as if searching for the next words to say. Eventually he simply settled on “Good night, son.”

That night, Evan and Jared slept like logs. There was no heartfelt conversation beforehand. In fact, there was almost no conversation at all. Neither boy had the energy anymore. 

But that was okay now. The other one would still be there the next morning. They could talk then. So for the time being, it was simply enough to be in the same room together once more. 

————

The next morning, the Hansen’s went to church. The offer was extended for Evan and Jared to come along, but they politely declined. They were not Christians and they had something more important to do at the moment. 

That morning, Jared and Evan finally sat down and talked. They talked a lot. Jared told everything he had realized with Jessie and Evan told Jared everything that happened with his family. 

“Selfish or not, I know that you were trying to help me. But you don’t need to go out of your way to do that. You help me every day just by being my best friend. I don’t need you to do something incredible to realize how much you care. You show it to me all the time in the small things.”

Jared sniffled a little and wrapped his arms around Evan. “I just wanted to show you that I’ve changed. That I’m not the asshole that I used to be. But I ended up still being that asshole in the process.” 

Evan shook his head and hugged Jared back. “You have changed though. You make me feel so good about myself. There was once a time when I wasn’t sure if you even liked me, but there’s not even a question now. Even when we’re fighting, I still know how much we matter to one another.

And I don’t regret bringing you here one bit. I wanted you by my side because you give me strength and happiness. That’s still as true now as it was when I invited you. You are precious to me, Jared Kleinman. You are the best friend I could ever ask for, just the way you are.”

“You are precious to me too, Evan Hansen. I promise from now on to just be there for you. I won’t try to settle any score, won’t try to go out of my way to make up for the past. I’ll just be the best me I can be going forward. I love you with all my heart and that is never going to change.”

Evan’s eyes widened in surprise, but he said nothing. Jared was still tightly wrapped up in his arms, seemingly unaware of what he just said and Evan felt no need to change that. He could process what Jared had just said later and figure out his own feelings once he was in a more emotionally stable place. For now, he was happy to keep his best friend wrapped up in his arms.

After a few minutes of silence, Jared spoke up again. “I’m really proud of you for how you’ve handled your family,” he said, pulling out of the hug a little to better talk to Evan. 

Evan raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if pride is really the right emotion there. I didn’t really handle it all that well at all.” Jared shook his head. “You’ve been in a really difficult position. You haven’t handled it perfectly by any means, but you managed to separate your anger at your dad from you feelings towards your step family and you even managed to reconcile with your dad a little. That’s pretty incredible if you ask me!” 

Evan shook his head again and stared guiltily at the floor. “I don’t really know what my relationship with my dad is, but I feel like a total hypocrite. Here I am telling you that the past is the past and we should just move on, but I also can’t just move on with him. You don’t need to prove your worth to me, but I don’t want to let him back into my life unless he does. Am I doing something wrong?”

Jared gently took Evan’s hands. “There is overarching no rule for how you need to feel about people. You’ve been hurt by him and you’re afraid to open back up to him. That’s completely fair. We didn’t just jump into being best friends overnight either. It took time and effort. 

The same things is true of you and your dad. You don’t need to let him back into your life all at once. Start with what you feel comfortable doing and only increase when you feel comfortable adding more. You don’t owe him anything and you aren’t a hypocrite. You’re a human being with complex feelings. You’re allowed to keep things in your comfort zone.”

Evan threw his arms back around Jared. “Thank you so much,” he sobbed. He really was so grateful that Jared was by his side. Everything he said had made so much sense. Evan didn’t need to just forgive and forget. He didn’t need to suddenly act like a part of the family. He just also didn’t need to view himself as an outsider anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to empathize in this chapter that I’m not trying to fix Evan’s relationship with his dad overnight here. His dad might be trying more now, but that doesn’t excuse his previous neglect. I’m certainly no expert in any of this, but I want to try my best to treat their reconciliation in a healthy manner.


End file.
